When parents say – “you got 65% marks in maths, that’s bad!!! No TV for you for the rest of the year”. At no point in time they meant - “I don’t love you”. What they have rejected is your actions and not YOU.
Let us study this common occurrence in the Indian culture -
Girl gets married to a boy and then takes up the duties in her new house. One of those duties is say – cooking.She prepares dal, curry and chapatis.Curry is spicy and the boy’s family doesn’t eat spicy food.The first reaction after eating the curry from the boy’s mother – “what spicy curry , we don’t prepare it like this!!!”. The girl starts thinking – what is this? Whatever I do they don’t like, on the contrary the mother-in-law also starts thinking – what a girl we chose, she doesn’t even know how to cook.
In all this, we need to remember that what needs to be rejected is the ACTION and not the PERSON. This will liberate us from the false imagery that we tend to make and stop being judgemental.
When a salesman tries to sell his product to customers, they will have reasons not to buy – high price, they don’t feel its need, they are happy with the product of another company and many such reasons.When they reject the product, they are not rejecting the sales person, are they?
A giel straightens her hair and asks her boyfriend for a feedback and he says – “You looked gorgeous when your hair was curly “.The girl gets upset and starts sulking and stops talking her boyfriend.What has her boyfriend done here? On asked for a feedback, he gave his opinion, he never said – “I don’t love you anymore”. So, he rejected her action of straightening and not HER.
Life is simpler when we understand that rejection is of the ACTIONs and not the PERSONs.
