Ride of my lifetime

A ten-hour journey from Hyderabad to Pune may not seem like that much of an experience, but let me remind you, this was in the times when there were no A/C / VOLVO buses nor any express highways(somewhere in the  late 80’s). One look at my bus  “Deccan Beauty” gave it all away.

This beauty had travelled millions of miles and still is being coaxed and goaded by the owner “please,one more trip and then you can rest in peace.”Literally,squeezing the last ounce of oil,metal and mileage from it. If there were any rules for bus abuse, then the owner of the bus would have been behind bars.

As soon as I find my window seat in the middle of the bus, I am greeted by ten to fifteen baby cockroaches. I was sure the mother cockroaches have been residing in this palatial house of theirs and feeding off on guests like us!!

 I sit down and the bus driver pulls away.  The inevitable of course happens next. Its what I call "the Battle of Seat”. The passenger next to me is a huge ,dark guy (with his head tonsured fresh from Tirupati) and is almost occupying one third portion of my seat  .I squeeze in and try to make some space for myself by using my elbow and wanting to place it on the hand rest  but I knew I was fighting a losing battle.The BALD PLATE won and I resigned to my fate.I could see the triumphant smile on his face.

I suddenly felt a jolting pain in my rear.I was still wondering what was responsible when the BALD PLATE chuckled and revealed that the seat was damaged and a spring jutted out  from my seat and found a cosy space in my bum!!OUCH,I didn’t pay for this extra pleasure.This was the typical “Insult to injury”.This bus ride just turned into the longest and most grueling ride of my life.

Did I mention that the massive pot holes in the road lift you from your seat continuously and we are actually half the time  jumping and landing on our seats and the laps of other passengers? But I took heart in earning a window seat, that’s a privilege which every Indian wants to have. I start to enjoy my privileges,look out of the window when a massive tree branch reaches in the window and whacks me across the head. This is just the first 30 minutes of the bus ride.The Bald plate had enough entertainment already(at my expense)

About two and a half hours into the ride, my bladder is holding three litres of liquid (at least that’s how it feels). I request the driver for an unscheduled stop but he cares two hoots for customer plight.He increases the spped and mentions that the bus will stop in another 30 minutes. So what does a VERY desperate guy do in such a situation I am desperate at this point and have to handle this tight situation.I take a deep breath and brace myself up and control my bladder to the fullest extent.I keep saying “Don’t let go,don’t let go,once you let go then there is no stopping the tsunami of 3 litres of urine.”

 My body won’t let me “go” because it knows I’m not in the proper setting to relieve myself. At this point I am feeling beyond desperate, but my body knows better, and I just can’t go.Thankfully,the bus stops at a station and there is a mad rush to get down.I take utmost care to avoid this mad rush lest someone presses my bladder and I end up relieving my 3 litres in the bus!!

The biggest relief and joy of my life was experienced in a toilet of a remote place between Hyderabad and Pune while I was emptying my bladder.No joy could ever replace that…

I firmly decide  not to drink any fluids in the rest of my journey.I was not interested in buying any snacks at the bus station because I was interested in winning my "Battle of Seats – second edition".I rush back to my seat and firmly place my hand on the hand rest and wait for the Bald Plate.He returns and returns with eatables that could be measured in tonnes!! I am quietly smiling on my smart move when he does the unexpected. He offers me a packet of chips and samosas and I melt. My hand quietly moves away from the hand rest and gives its rightful owner the space to rest.I munch away on the chips and relish the local made samosas. Thats the bribe he paid for the hand rest,I reason…

 Three more hours go by and Deccan Beauty pulls into a main city station. People are grabbing at me through the window to sell me snacks and random toys. One man in particular did not stop hounding me to buy a wooden flute.(how did he know my name was Krishna??)  “I don’t want a flute,” I suddenly realize- “I want a toilet!” I turn to the bus driver and ask, “How long will you be stopping for, Mr. Bus Driver?” He looks at me and grumbles “The bus will leave in ten minutes.”

I jump out of the bus door. “Toilet,toilet!”(the samosas finally had their effect on me,looks like some food poisoning !!). I yell to whoever looks my way. “TOILET! WHERE IS THE TOILET! ANYONE?” Finally, the annoying flute vendor points in the direction of the toilets which is one hundred meters away. I make a mad dash for it. When I finally make it to the toilets, there is a man in front of the stalls telling to pay two rupees. CRAP! This man was wasting crucial time. Then I remember I shoved two rupees in my pocket before I left. Luck is finally on my side. I hand the man the two rupees and run to the toilet blocks. First room, locked. Second  room, locked. Third … forth … fifth … sixth room, locked! Finally, the last rooml is open! I pull down my pants, and … reeeelease!! This is what I call complete satisfaction. I finish and quickly pull up my pants.. I quickly dash across the station towards the bus. I only have five seconds left until the bus leaves. The bus driver honks the horn, which means that it is just about to leave, I run so fast that I could have definitely given Carl Lewis a run for his money.I manage to catch it in the nick of  time.

Now, it was getting dark and after all that I went through, I needed some rest and sleep. But with the Bald Plate around, would I get such pleasures of life? He was already snoring and had converted my right shoulder as a make-shift pillow. His head was resting on my shoulder and I could feel the dead weight of his head. Did it have sand in it??I tried pushing him away but he was beyond my strength. Rest of my night was spent in bearing the weight of a sleeping man’s head and enduring the ferocious snores of my worst co-passenger in my entire life.

I thanked my stars when I saw my Pune the next morning. Finally,I was saved from this nightmare.I quickly collected my bags and without giving another look to the Bald Plate,got off from Deccan Beauty and swore that I will walk all my way but not board another  bus for any long distance journey. Abhi BUS, no more BUS!!!